Category Archives: Radiation

A Transformed/ing Heart

*Original publication date is December 2011

The school called and asked if I would pick up teaching a class I’ve never taught before (speech) – whole different department even!  I’m certified in it, but that just means I tested well that day.

I saw lots of problems with picking up this class:

  • No prep time – it starts in January!
  • Extends my day because it switches my conference period
  • 30+ more things to grade
  • 30+ more personalities to deal with (and the parents that go along with them)
  • Means that I cannnot make doctors appointments during my conference – no way can I get to Dallas and back in 90 minutes.
  • So…if I have to make a doctor’s appointment at all next semester (is that likely?  haha) then I will have to get a sub.  Since I have no sub days, I’ll lose $291 or half that depending on however it gets calculated out for that day.
  • I’m tired; I don’t wanna…

But, I had some other thoughts, too:

  • I’ve been praying that God would help me reach the medical community (specifically OBs) more than I am in advocating for the TAC and proper provider education on cervical insufficiency.  Perhaps teaching this new course dealing in communication would help prepare me for this.
  • I’d have the opportunity to build 30+ new relationships with students
  • I’d be in a new teacher circle that I’m not currently in – maybe they need encouragement or have something for me to learn!
  • I don’t always want to be the teacher that says no – which is who I’ve always been. I love my administration and if I can help serve them, then I want to.

So…initially I thought no, but there was the tiniest spark of an idea in me that maybe I ought to see what the Lord says about it.  So, Nam and I prayed.  And, then the question came up in my heart: what would a missionary say?  Would he say no for self-preservation, or would he say yes and step out on faith that God could take care of the concerns?

Do I want to be me-centered or Kingdom-centered?  That answer is clear…so, then, was my answer…

I am stepping out on faith to see what God has for me here.  I trust that He will handle every single concern.  I figure if I can trust Him with my sons, trust Him with my brain tumor, trust Him with my eternity, then surely I can trust Him with money and schedules and tiredness.  And, I know I can.

What fascinates me most about this is that I don’t think a year and a half ago that I would have said yes.  I don’t think before I lost my sons that I would have known how deeply I can trust my God.  I hadn’t yet given God the chance to be faithful to me with me watching and waiting.

I am so thrilled to see God changing me and to do it through my precious sons.  He is ever faithful.

A Joyful Thanksgiving

I want to share a Thanksgiving blessing with you.

As many of you know, on Thanksgiving Day 2010, I delivered my twin sons and they both passed away within hours of each other.  Needless to say, this week has been looming on my heart for some time.    Besides losing my sons, the weight of infertility still presses on me.  And, to top it all off, I have a brain tumor preventing me from pursuing any further fertility treatments until my radiation is complete.

It’s been a rough year.

As usual, God has shown up in my life in an incredible way.   This is nothing short of a miracle, and I hope it fills your heart with His goodness.

I attend a monthly infertility support group at my doctor’s office in Fort Worth.  Though I’m not pursuing fertility treatment at this time, I continue to go to the meetings to encourage other women and exchange medical info.

Last Monday, I went to the monthly meeting and met a new girl.  I introduced myself and it was halfway through the meeting before she exclaimed that she knew who I was from another friend.   She had heard my story before and we talked and talked – mostly about medical things – and exchanged contact information so I could send her some medication information…so I thought.

Later that night, my new friend called me and said she was so glad to meet me and that meeting me had given she and her husband direction they’d been waiting on.  Weird – I didn’t share that much medical info!  She said they had something they wanted to give us, and that it was urgent they give it that night.  Hesitantly, I gave her our address and they set off on the hour drive to our home.

We met just inside our front door.  She explained how she’d been given this gift for infertility and knew when she received it that it was, indeed, for infertility, but also knew it was not for her.  They’d been waiting for God to tell them who to pass it on to.  When she met me that night, she knew God wanted this for us.  When her husband heard of her meeting me, he also was convicted.

Then, they gave us an extremely large sum of money.

I could write an entire theological treatise on all the thoughts and emotions that happened over the next few days, but suffice it to say we learned about God’s grace.  Though we certainly didn’t deserve the money, He was giving it to us anyway!

The coolest part about this isn’t the money.  Yes, we are broke and in debt from previous medical bills.  Yes, we have had to scramble to put together money to pay for my radiation and to cover the paycheck I’ll be losing.  But, God has provided for all of that.

The coolest part – and what I’m incredibly thankful for – is that God saw my heart.  Just the day before at church, I’d been crying with my friends saying how I felt forgotten by God…that the delay without future direction was so hard.  I knew that God was there, of course, but I was just feeling so heartbroken.

The very next day, He reached through a stranger and sent us a message:  He has not forgotten us; He has a plan for us, and He will provide everything we need.

El Roi, the God who sees me, is why I am thankful this season.  To be such an insignificant part of eternity and have the God of all creation see right into my heart and respond to my need of hope  – wow.

This Thanksgiving is still wrought with grief for me, but I am also refreshed by the generosity of a stranger and the comforting touch of my Father.

A Joyful Thanksgiving to all of you.

PS – I got an email from this girl on Saturday.  Her insurance company contacted her and told her they’d over charged her on a hospital bill and were refunding her money.  Of course, it was the exact same amount of money that she’d given me.  J  God is good – funny – and good.